I was sitting outside the doctor's office and my heart was beating faster. My hands were sweaty. I felt anxious, and part of me really didn't want to go in. It was a new doctor and I didn't know what to expect.
I'd prepared. I had my questions written down on a piece of paper. And then I started wondering why. Why do I feel anxious just going to see a doctor?
For me, it wasn't about my health. It was about the experience itself. I've experienced very different attitudes from doctors. There have been really good experiences, where I've felt genuinely listened to and taken seriously. And there have been very unpleasant ones too.
All of those past experiences came with me to that door. We never walk into a situation as a blank page. We bring with us what we've experienced before. For some people those experiences have been really hard, for others smaller, but probably none of us are completely untouched.
It's also something I notice a lot in my work: past experiences shape how we feel the next time we're in a similar situation, and what we're already bracing ourselves for.
I'm a trauma-informed somatic self-leadership coach, and maybe that's why I notice more and more how our past experiences, our beliefs and our nervous system responses affect how we feel and act in situations today.
And also how much influence we have on other people. Especially when we're in some kind of position of power in relation to them.
When you go to get help, you're already a little vulnerable
I've seen quite a lot of doctors over the years and experienced very different attitudes.
There have been moments where I really feel the doctor is listening to me. Where they're not just looking at test results or one symptom, but actually hearing what I'm saying. Where they want to work out with me what's going on and what we could do next.
Those experiences have been especially heartwarming.
Because when you go to a doctor, you're already in a slightly vulnerable position. You don't usually go just for the sake of it. You have a concern. Maybe you're scared. Maybe you've been looking for answers for a long time.
In that situation, how you're received matters a lot. Whether you're listened to, whether your concern is taken seriously, and whether you feel the doctor genuinely wants to understand what's going on.
But I've also experienced the opposite.
A cold or indifferent attitude. Symptoms that go unnoticed. Sometimes a negative tone. The feeling that what I'm saying isn't really being heard, or that my concern doesn't matter.
For the doctor, it might be one appointment out of dozens that day. For the patient, it can be something completely different.
A bad experience can affect how someone goes into their next appointment. Whether they dare to talk about what's worrying them. Whether they believe they'll be taken seriously. Or whether they go and ask for help at all next time.
And if they don't go, something that's actually serious might go unnoticed.
That's what got me thinking about other places where one person's position gives their words more weight for someone else.
An adult may forget. A child might not.
One of those places is school. This topic is also very personal to me.
We talk a lot about bullying in schools, and rightly so. But mostly we talk about children bullying other children.
We talk much less about how adults themselves speak to children.
We have so many wonderful teachers. Teachers who put their heart into their work. Who see a child even when things aren't going well for them. Who know how to support and encourage, and at the same time expect something from them.
Sometimes a teacher like that can be the person who sees something in a child that the child can't yet see in themselves.
And a person can remember that for the rest of their life.
But unfortunately there are other kinds of experiences too.
"You're stupid."
"Why are you even in my class?"
"You're dragging down my average."
Many of us still remember, as adults, something a teacher once said to us.
Children are small people. People who are still forming. When you say something to them that affects how they value themselves, it stays with them for a long time.
An adult might say something like that in a moment of irritation and not even remember it the next day.
A child might remember it for years.
One child might conclude: I guess I really am stupid. I guess I just can't do it. Better not to try.
Another reacts the opposite way. Pushes back. Becomes defiant. Withdraws. Maybe not even with that teacher, but somewhere else entirely.
And then we see the behaviour, but we might no longer see what's behind it.
There's a lot of talk about young people today being disrespectful, getting away with too much, or not respecting adults.
But the question I always end up asking is this: how can we expect better behaviour from a young person whose thinking and self-regulation are still developing, if the adult can't speak to them respectfully?
That doesn't mean we shouldn't expect anything from children. Of course we should.
But having high expectations and humiliating someone are not the same thing.
We never know what someone else is carrying
Actually, this isn't only about doctors and teachers.
The same dynamic can show up at work between a manager and an employee. In customer service. In coaching or counselling. Anywhere we work with people and our role or position gives our words more weight.
If your manager treats you unfairly or picks on you, it affects your everyday life and also what you think of yourself.
We never really know what another person is carrying with them.
Two people can hear exactly the same sentence and experience it completely differently.
Not necessarily because one of them is "too sensitive".
We simply don't walk into situations as a blank page. Our past experiences affect what we notice, what meaning we give things and how we react.
That's why I've been thinking more and more about the responsibility that comes with working with people.
Not the responsibility to be perfect all the time.
Doctors are human. Teachers are human. Leaders are human. Coaches are human. We all have stress, tiredness, bad days and our own stories.
We make mistakes.
But the more influence our position gives us over another person, the more important I think it is to be aware of how we use that influence.
You can have high expectations without humiliating someone.
You can give critical feedback without making someone feel small.
You can disagree and still stay respectful.
And if it goes badly, you can always go back and say: I didn't speak to you well.
Our influence isn't only negative
With all of this, I don't actually want to talk only about how we can hurt each other.
Because influence works the other way too.
Think of the doctor whose office you left feeling that finally, someone had listened.
The teacher who believed in you before you believed in yourself.
The manager you felt safe admitting a mistake to, because you knew you wouldn't be humiliated for it.
Sometimes those people don't even know how much of an impact they had on us.
Maybe part of more conscious self-leadership is that we don't only notice what's going on inside ourselves.
We also notice what our presence, our words and our behaviour bring up in other people.
Because for you, it might be a completely ordinary meeting. One sentence. One moment in the middle of a busy day.
The other person might remember it for years.